Kevin's
Blog:
Choices
to be made, So choose.
"Rage,
rage against the dying of the light" - Dylan Thomas
I
had almost finished this post when I suddenly realised it was all
wrong and needed to be scrapped. Things have been changing for
me rapidly over the time I have been writing this blog. I have
been extremely focused on really getting to grips with myself. I
had managed to drag myself out of a fairly deep hole. Looking
forward, I have to find a way of staying one or more steeps ahead of
my demons. Self-hate, doubt, and hopelessness have an uncanny
way of creeping up on you when least expected. I have realised
that those negative thoughts come from only one place, my mind.
Sure, I have faced a lot of ignorance and prejudice but I'm the
one who has a massive problem with indifference and apathy. What
role do I play in my getting in such a bad state of mind? How do I
prevent myself from becoming so isolated and depressed again? What do
I need to do in order to put myself in a position to achieve what I
want? I have started to examine just how I tick, to see what is
going on in my subconscious. One of the best things I have ever
done for myself is to take the initiative and go to a counsellor. In
my opinion, everyone should have an objective person from outside
their inner circle to help keep them honest about themselves.
I was lucky enough to get a counsellor who had no experience with person's with a disability. This was good because I imagine a counsellor specialising in disability would have been over interested in my DMD. After all, I am a normal man. My DMD only affects the muscles of my body. My intellect and spirit are that of a normal man. My counsellor is truly brilliant. He seems to be one hell of a man as well. It is very important to me that that is the case, I doubt I would listen to the opinions of an ass hole. The most important thing about seeing a counsellor and the like is to be honest, painfully so. Everyone is different but if you haven't lost it emotionally in a counselling session, you need to go deeper into your mind, there are some messed up things in there for sure. If you are really thinking critically and honestly it should hurt at times. For me at least, it damn well has. My counsellor see's me as a full man, someone who is a man first and..... actually I've never heard him refer to me as disabled. Wow, that's cool. At the start, the main thing coming up in the sessions was my desire for and fear of romantic relationships. My insecurities were running my life. He has tried tirelessly to build up some self respect in me, cheers mate!
The counselling has involved a lot of self discovery. With the relationship issue and everything else I must appraise my role in it and take responsibility. So, my role. I wasted a hell of a lot of time blaming others for my imagined undesirability. I had an endless supply of why I shouldn't justifications for not even trying to date or have a relationship. I thought the world would implode if I were turned down. Hahaha, everyone gets turned down sometimes, big deal. Nevertheless, that is what I did to myself for years, effectively I disabled myself. I told myself things like, I'm not good enough, I'm not man enough, I'm not worthy, I'm not a whole person, woman hate me, they think I'm ugly, they think I'm useless. It would seem I like lists of horribleness. So, what will I do from now on. Well first of all I will tell myself the exact opposite of all that nonsense. That starts now. I'm good enough. I'm a decent man. I'm a whole person. I am of value and worth. My DMD is NOT a personal failing.
Be it relationships, work, study, or whatever, the problem seems to have the same root cause. It has become increasingly clear that the stumbling blocks I face are of my own creation for the most part. Though the focus of my counselling and blog has been predominantly around relationships, it's on a deeper level about working out just who the hell I am anyway. I have long been reluctant to describe myself. To me that is a reflection of being unsure who I was and of an expectation that whomever I was, that person was certainly not acceptable.
I've written extensively about the problems of my life, like I'm the only one right? Here is some progress. I have never worked before. I do now, I have been doing a few hours here and there at the camping ground my family operate. I'm no expert with computers or software but I have no difficulties with simple things like data entry and other basic tasks. That represents a diametric shift in my attitude toward working. Usually my thoughts of work would have been drowned out by my insecurities, small steps for now, I'll get there. I have decided to take a paper on counselling to see how well I like it. All going well, I'll continue to study toward becoming a counsellor professionally. I figured the readers deserved some good news for sticking it out during the sad stuff. I have found a drive I have never had before, it feels great.
I watched a movie recently that had a part in it where Michael Cane is reciting a poem by Dylan Thomas, 'Do not go gentle into that good night'http://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/do-not-go-gentle-good-night. It resonated with me deeply, especially the line I quoted 'Rage, rage against the dying of the light'. That line coveys exactly my current attitude toward my life. I am raging against my own mortality, raging against my own indifference, raging against isolation, raging against my efforts to sabotage my own happiness. I have made the choice to live, to live in abundance and fully. I'll end with a bit of a mission statement. I know that in the end, my DMD wins the day, complications from it will one day take my life. I'm here to tell you it is going to have to do that against my will, I'm going to fight the bastard all the way down. I'll leave this world kicking (haha) and screaming. If this is a fight to the death, I will not go gentle into that good night and I will rage against the dying of the light. Until next time, Peace and Love to you, Kevin J.
I was lucky enough to get a counsellor who had no experience with person's with a disability. This was good because I imagine a counsellor specialising in disability would have been over interested in my DMD. After all, I am a normal man. My DMD only affects the muscles of my body. My intellect and spirit are that of a normal man. My counsellor is truly brilliant. He seems to be one hell of a man as well. It is very important to me that that is the case, I doubt I would listen to the opinions of an ass hole. The most important thing about seeing a counsellor and the like is to be honest, painfully so. Everyone is different but if you haven't lost it emotionally in a counselling session, you need to go deeper into your mind, there are some messed up things in there for sure. If you are really thinking critically and honestly it should hurt at times. For me at least, it damn well has. My counsellor see's me as a full man, someone who is a man first and..... actually I've never heard him refer to me as disabled. Wow, that's cool. At the start, the main thing coming up in the sessions was my desire for and fear of romantic relationships. My insecurities were running my life. He has tried tirelessly to build up some self respect in me, cheers mate!
The counselling has involved a lot of self discovery. With the relationship issue and everything else I must appraise my role in it and take responsibility. So, my role. I wasted a hell of a lot of time blaming others for my imagined undesirability. I had an endless supply of why I shouldn't justifications for not even trying to date or have a relationship. I thought the world would implode if I were turned down. Hahaha, everyone gets turned down sometimes, big deal. Nevertheless, that is what I did to myself for years, effectively I disabled myself. I told myself things like, I'm not good enough, I'm not man enough, I'm not worthy, I'm not a whole person, woman hate me, they think I'm ugly, they think I'm useless. It would seem I like lists of horribleness. So, what will I do from now on. Well first of all I will tell myself the exact opposite of all that nonsense. That starts now. I'm good enough. I'm a decent man. I'm a whole person. I am of value and worth. My DMD is NOT a personal failing.
Be it relationships, work, study, or whatever, the problem seems to have the same root cause. It has become increasingly clear that the stumbling blocks I face are of my own creation for the most part. Though the focus of my counselling and blog has been predominantly around relationships, it's on a deeper level about working out just who the hell I am anyway. I have long been reluctant to describe myself. To me that is a reflection of being unsure who I was and of an expectation that whomever I was, that person was certainly not acceptable.
I've written extensively about the problems of my life, like I'm the only one right? Here is some progress. I have never worked before. I do now, I have been doing a few hours here and there at the camping ground my family operate. I'm no expert with computers or software but I have no difficulties with simple things like data entry and other basic tasks. That represents a diametric shift in my attitude toward working. Usually my thoughts of work would have been drowned out by my insecurities, small steps for now, I'll get there. I have decided to take a paper on counselling to see how well I like it. All going well, I'll continue to study toward becoming a counsellor professionally. I figured the readers deserved some good news for sticking it out during the sad stuff. I have found a drive I have never had before, it feels great.
I watched a movie recently that had a part in it where Michael Cane is reciting a poem by Dylan Thomas, 'Do not go gentle into that good night'http://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/do-not-go-gentle-good-night. It resonated with me deeply, especially the line I quoted 'Rage, rage against the dying of the light'. That line coveys exactly my current attitude toward my life. I am raging against my own mortality, raging against my own indifference, raging against isolation, raging against my efforts to sabotage my own happiness. I have made the choice to live, to live in abundance and fully. I'll end with a bit of a mission statement. I know that in the end, my DMD wins the day, complications from it will one day take my life. I'm here to tell you it is going to have to do that against my will, I'm going to fight the bastard all the way down. I'll leave this world kicking (haha) and screaming. If this is a fight to the death, I will not go gentle into that good night and I will rage against the dying of the light. Until next time, Peace and Love to you, Kevin J.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis saddens me , you are a stranger to me yet your words are so familiar. You would have gone so far. Thoughts to your family and friends. Rip
ReplyDelete